I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
This did not end as expected.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Tell me you get it…🤣
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”