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When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!