How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.