[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
no one likes gloating
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao