Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?