I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.