Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”