Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Worst Native American name ever.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house