alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Facebook memories be like
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time