Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
yall want some gasoline milk
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.