My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class