[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.