Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
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[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.