I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.