* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.