The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
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girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
You’ll be OK
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months