coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
You Might Also Like
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.