Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
finally found a reasonable question
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful