Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
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So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.