do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*