honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“HELP WITH CAT”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night