A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking