I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
You can’t rush stupid.