There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.