my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…