professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.