I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
very niche meme I made
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Well, this certainly took a turn
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers