honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
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I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby