THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Oh yeah that’s it
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
He-man has a Masters degree
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.