my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.