Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away