So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers