Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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kids play hide and seek like
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐