food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
how to have an accident 101
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.