“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!