Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
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Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.