If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Well well well…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.