Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.