“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.