“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..