Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.