Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
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Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.