But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
You Might Also Like
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
My safe word is Worcestershire
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back