When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
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Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”