Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.