Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Match dot com, but for socks.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
huge if true: the moon
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?