“i miss shittin on people”
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imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”