Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.