my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
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Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.