Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no